So how ya been?

Okay, so I think I might miss this blog stuff and will give it the ole college try again. Definitely a far cry from the old Sin days. 

Six months really since an update.  Let’s recap, shall we?

Walking away from The Ex-Boyfriend was far easier then I expected it to be.  I have rarely looked back, and in all honesty, the looking back has been more because of the loss of a promise of a future then a loss of him.  Hope that makes sense…  Perhaps also I did the mourning of the relationship over the last three to six months that we lived together (or the five years we were together?).  Maybe I just finally hit breaking point and finally believed to be true what I knew from the beginning.  Maybe I just finally found some strength in myself I didn’t know existed (but that many friends and family told me I had!)  Let’s (and by us, I mean me) face it, red flags were flying all over the place from before I even met him.  I guess because we were both so similar and at the same point in our lives, I thought it might work.  I really wanted it to work.  I just really didn’t want to be alone.  I wasn’t built to be alone.  When I’m alone, I’ll hermit.  It’s not healthy and I know it.  So anyway…  It ended relatively peacefully despite his desperate proposal the day after Thanksgiving.  We text occasionally, but I can’t get myself to speak with him by phone or see him in person.  I have no feelings left lingering, but the idea of seeing him or speaking with him scares the shit out of me.  I imagine that time stopped for both of us and am only partially annoyed to hear he’s perhaps finally flirting and dating other people (despite his affirmations to me on a slowly dwindling basis).  Hey, let’s face it, I think there’s something in all of us that gets a little smug to know if an ex is pining away….  No?  Maybe just me.  That was the first full fledged (alliteration anybody!) relationship I walked away from!  Work with me!

So I guess that brings me to my next update…  I’ve been dating somebody off and on (mostly on in the past month or two) since ohhhh, I dunno…  (confession time) the breakup with The Ex-Boyfriend.  We’ll just call him Trainer Boy.  Oh wait, didn’t I mention the part where I started dating my personal trainer when I broke up with The Ex-Boyfriend?  *cough*  Well actually, I wasn’t totally done with The Ex when I started hanging out with Trainer Boy.  Then came the conversation of…  “Hey, I think I want to see other people.”

NEWS FLASH:  When somebody says, ‘I want to see other people,’ that means, ‘I found somebody I want to see.’  I’m just sayin’!

Oh yeah, that same conversation is when I dropped the bombshell about a weekend rendezvous with an old college boyfriend in another state.  I never was great at secrets and honestly, I’m just not a cheat at heart.  I just laid it all out there.  Let’s just say that I think The Ex was a little surprised.  HaHa, guess he thought he was the only one who could get attention from the opposite sex and stray a little.

Anyway…  Trainer Boy and I are good.  I’m riding it out to see what happens.  He’s another Cancer and that’s made it all the more enticing and intriguing to me.  There is part of me that really likes him and part of me that is very reserved, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like this could be too good to be true kind of waiting.  In the meantime, the sex is amazing and I enjoy his company.  The reality is that my heart is more locked up then I thought it was and I’m not sure I can totally let go yet if ever.  I’m not sure I trust that I know if and when I’m in love.  Or that somebody really loves me like I love them.  That’s the scary part.  At the age of (shit, how old am I!?) almost 33, I should know these things shouldn’t I?  Anyway….

Work.  Well, work is great and I’m a Rock Star.  The problem is that the company is not doing so well and I’ve hung on through quite a few layoffs this past year.  I’m overworked but hanging on.  I still love what I do and the company I work for.  I’ll hold out and hope that we all make it for now.  My contingency plan is that IF I get laidoff, I’m either going to school here or moving closer to family and going to school there.  Now that I know what I want to be when I grow up, I might as well get that damn piece of paper.  Now seems like as good a time as any.

Health.  My boobies are in good shape, but I need another surgery on something else which I keep putting off (see work above).  It’s nothing critical, but is something I need to take care of sooner than later.  Those of you who have been around long enough will know what it is.  Rinse and repeat.

Smoking.  I quit smoking in 2004 and was clean until 2007, almost exactly 3 years, when my mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer.  I’m trying really hard to quit again.

Fitness.  Over the course of 2 years, I lost 45lbs.  I was becoming a daily gym rat.  With some recent stresses (see work above), I lost some focus and am just now trying to get back to the gym daily.  I drink a bit too much and have regained 5lbs, but am holding at 125lbs for right now.  I’ve lost some of my toning that I gained through strength training, cardio, and personal training so looking to resume and reclaim all that hard work.  Oh yeah, dating the personal trainer (who converted to role of boyfriend) and swapping trainers probably hasn’t helped that part.  HAHA.

Some days I’m so friggin’ exhausted I don’t know where to begin.  Living an adult life is so strange.  I look at how far I’ve come and where I want to be.  It’s exhausting.  But I’ve come a long way baby and that’s all that matters.