Feeds:
Posts
Comments

I love this kind of stuff… You can find it here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp (forgive me, no clue how to do a hyperlink and I’m too tired to think about it right now).

My type is ISTJ.

Guardian™ Portrait of the Inspector (ISTJ)

The one word that best describes Inspectors is superdependable. Whether at home or at work, Inspectors are extraordinarily persevering and dutiful, particularly when it comes to keeping an eye on the people and products they are responsible for. In their quiet way, Inspectors see to it that rules are followed, laws are respected, and standards are upheld.

Inspectors (as much as ten percent of the general population) are the true guardians of institutions. They are patient with their work and with the procedures within an institution, although not always with the unauthorized behavior of some people in that institution. Responsible to the core, Inspectors like it when people know their duties, follow the guidelines, and operate within the rules. For their part, Inspectors will see to it that goods are examined and schedules are kept, that resources will be up to standards and delivered when and where they are supposed to be. And they would prefer that everyone be this dependable. Inspectors can be hard-nosed about the need for following the rules in the workplace, and do not hesitate to report irregularities to the proper authorities. Because of this they are often misjudged as being hard-hearted, or as having ice in their veins, for people fail to see their good intentions and their vulnerability to criticism. Also, because Inspectors usually make their inspections without much flourish or fanfare, the dedication they bring to their work can go unnoticed and unappreciated.

While not as talkative as Supervisor Guardians [ESTJs], Inspectors are still highly sociable, and are likely to be involved in community service organizations, such as Sunday School, Little League, or Boy and Girl Scouting, that transmit traditional values to the young. Like all Guardians, Inspectors hold dear their family social ceremonies-weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries – although they tend to be shy if the occasion becomes too large or too public. Generally speaking, Inspectors are not comfortable with anything that gets too fancy. Their words tend to be plain and down-to-earth, not showy or high-flown; their clothes are often simple and conservative rather than of the latest fashion; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and traditional, rather than trendy or ostentatious. As for personal property, they usually choose standard items over models loaded with features, and they often try to find classics and antiques – Inspectors prefer the old-fashioned to the newfangled every time.

Queen Elizabeth II, Harry S. Truman, Warren Buffet, Queen Victoria, James K. Polk, and J.D. Rockefeller are examples of Inspector Guardians.

So how ya been?

Okay, so I think I might miss this blog stuff and will give it the ole college try again. Definitely a far cry from the old Sin days.  :P

Six months really since an update.  Let’s recap, shall we?

Walking away from The Ex-Boyfriend was far easier then I expected it to be.  I have rarely looked back, and in all honesty, the looking back has been more because of the loss of a promise of a future then a loss of him.  Hope that makes sense…  Perhaps also I did the mourning of the relationship over the last three to six months that we lived together (or the five years we were together?).  Maybe I just finally hit breaking point and finally believed to be true what I knew from the beginning.  Maybe I just finally found some strength in myself I didn’t know existed (but that many friends and family told me I had!)  Let’s (and by us, I mean me) face it, red flags were flying all over the place from before I even met him.  I guess because we were both so similar and at the same point in our lives, I thought it might work.  I really wanted it to work.  I just really didn’t want to be alone.  I wasn’t built to be alone.  When I’m alone, I’ll hermit.  It’s not healthy and I know it.  So anyway…  It ended relatively peacefully despite his desperate proposal the day after Thanksgiving.  We text occasionally, but I can’t get myself to speak with him by phone or see him in person.  I have no feelings left lingering, but the idea of seeing him or speaking with him scares the shit out of me.  I imagine that time stopped for both of us and am only partially annoyed to hear he’s perhaps finally flirting and dating other people (despite his affirmations to me on a slowly dwindling basis).  Hey, let’s face it, I think there’s something in all of us that gets a little smug to know if an ex is pining away….  No?  Maybe just me.  That was the first full fledged (alliteration anybody!) relationship I walked away from!  Work with me!

So I guess that brings me to my next update…  I’ve been dating somebody off and on (mostly on in the past month or two) since ohhhh, I dunno…  (confession time) the breakup with The Ex-Boyfriend.  We’ll just call him Trainer Boy.  Oh wait, didn’t I mention the part where I started dating my personal trainer when I broke up with The Ex-Boyfriend?  *cough*  Well actually, I wasn’t totally done with The Ex when I started hanging out with Trainer Boy.  Then came the conversation of…  “Hey, I think I want to see other people.”

NEWS FLASH:  When somebody says, ‘I want to see other people,’ that means, ‘I found somebody I want to see.’  I’m just sayin’!

Oh yeah, that same conversation is when I dropped the bombshell about a weekend rendezvous with an old college boyfriend in another state.  I never was great at secrets and honestly, I’m just not a cheat at heart.  I just laid it all out there.  Let’s just say that I think The Ex was a little surprised.  HaHa, guess he thought he was the only one who could get attention from the opposite sex and stray a little.

Anyway…  Trainer Boy and I are good.  I’m riding it out to see what happens.  He’s another Cancer and that’s made it all the more enticing and intriguing to me.  There is part of me that really likes him and part of me that is very reserved, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like this could be too good to be true kind of waiting.  In the meantime, the sex is amazing and I enjoy his company.  The reality is that my heart is more locked up then I thought it was and I’m not sure I can totally let go yet if ever.  I’m not sure I trust that I know if and when I’m in love.  Or that somebody really loves me like I love them.  That’s the scary part.  At the age of (shit, how old am I!?) almost 33, I should know these things shouldn’t I?  Anyway….

Work.  Well, work is great and I’m a Rock Star.  The problem is that the company is not doing so well and I’ve hung on through quite a few layoffs this past year.  I’m overworked but hanging on.  I still love what I do and the company I work for.  I’ll hold out and hope that we all make it for now.  My contingency plan is that IF I get laidoff, I’m either going to school here or moving closer to family and going to school there.  Now that I know what I want to be when I grow up, I might as well get that damn piece of paper.  Now seems like as good a time as any.

Health.  My boobies are in good shape, but I need another surgery on something else which I keep putting off (see work above).  It’s nothing critical, but is something I need to take care of sooner than later.  Those of you who have been around long enough will know what it is.  Rinse and repeat.

Smoking.  I quit smoking in 2004 and was clean until 2007, almost exactly 3 years, when my mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer.  I’m trying really hard to quit again.

Fitness.  Over the course of 2 years, I lost 45lbs.  I was becoming a daily gym rat.  With some recent stresses (see work above), I lost some focus and am just now trying to get back to the gym daily.  I drink a bit too much and have regained 5lbs, but am holding at 125lbs for right now.  I’ve lost some of my toning that I gained through strength training, cardio, and personal training so looking to resume and reclaim all that hard work.  Oh yeah, dating the personal trainer (who converted to role of boyfriend) and swapping trainers probably hasn’t helped that part.  HAHA.

Some days I’m so friggin’ exhausted I don’t know where to begin.  Living an adult life is so strange.  I look at how far I’ve come and where I want to be.  It’s exhausting.  But I’ve come a long way baby and that’s all that matters.

Relaxed…

Silence whispers.

A calm wave of the unknown.

An image appears.

Soft. translucent.  Fragile.

Flutters overcome.

My soul.  My heart.

Strength and vibrance.

Trance consumes.

Silence.

Your smile.  Your heart. Your soul.

Radiance bursts.

Meh

Recruiting and interviewing in this market is a little on the depressing side.  I’m  hearing a lot of sad stories and speaking to people that are taking pay cuts, so they can do anything possible to remain in houses they never should have purchased. 

I’m reminded of the years after 9/11 when I fell into recruiting.  Tough times.

Winds of Change…

While The Boyfriend and I technically broke up back in July, we of course, have still been living together.  We’ve been going back and forth for what, 2 years now?  Definitely since our big move in March.

I made a call to the apartment complex today to downsize apartments.  He’s wanted to move in with his brother and has been telling his family this for awhile.  He’s so depressed that all he does is sleep during the day and watch movies at night.  He’s flunking his classes.  No focus.  I wish I could help him.  My heart hurts for him, but I know I need to take care of me.  Perhaps us splitting will take care of him too.  *sigh*

So many changes right now.  A colleague of mine today confided that he’s thought I needed to walk away for a long time now.  That I could do better.  I wish there wasn’t better.  Part of me wishes The Boyfriend was the one.  Five years is a long time to invest in a relationship.  It really sucks.

My heart hurts so much and making the break will sting while alleviate a lot of angst and anxiety in my life.  I’ve never liked being alone, even if I was with assholes.  Ugh.  Between work stress, car issues, and The Boyfriend saga, I’m having a hard time figuring out which direction to move in first.

To deal with the stress and anxiety, I’m turning to my old favorite standby…  the gym.  I’ve been spending anywhere from one to two hours in the gym daily for the past week or so.  Not quite seeing results yet, but I certainly do feel it.  I would like to lose 15lbs.  20lbs would be nice, but I’d be happy with 15lbs.  So not drinking much alcohol, eliminating almost all breads/pastas/etc, and eating tons of veggies, fruit, fish, and nuts.

Guess this is Project Anarla time.

Life is Cruel

That’s really all I have to say about that.  Sorry I’m antisocial this year.

I turned 32 last week.  Weird.

Broken

The Boyfriend and I finally broke up and are separating.  Sad and broken does not even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now.  Five years of ups and downs with enough good stuff sprinkled in to make it that much more painful.

Results

I’m being referred to a breast specialist.

The lump is benign but does show some atypical cells.  Unfortunately, I have something going on in my breast ducts that could be considered the pre-cancer stage with high risk of becoming cancer or it could be early cancer stage.  It’s a complete fluke that we found it and is apparently commonly found at this stage due to a biopsy on something else.  It could be something or it could be nothing.  They won’t know until or unless they do an excisional surgical biopsy of that area.  I’ll see what the specialist recommends next week.

On another note, my incision is infected so I got an antibiotic and hydro-cortisone cream for that.  I also apparently had an allergic reaction to the steri-strips which explains the blisters on either side of the incision at equal distances.

I’m still swollen and in pain.  Also very exhausted though that is typical for me these days anyway.  That’s all for now.

I’m cleaning out my file cabinet which isn’t huge of old miscellaneous crap and paperwork.  I have pretty much gone all electronic and paperless for bills.  I hate clutter and old paperwork.  It was kind of strange looking at the old loan documents for the brand new truck I bought back in 1998 though.  Kind of weird to think that was almost 10 years ago when I bought my beloved truck.  I’d buy a truck again if the gas prices weren’t so horrendous.

Anyway, I’m shredding away and the damn thing keeps overheating now.  Gah!  I’m almost done here and it feels so good to be just about complete.  Ohhhh, and I found old credit reports from 3 and 5 years ago.  I’ve come a long way baby!  My credit score has increased by 100 points in a year’s time.  I’m quite pleased with that progress.  Just a few more things to fall off in the next six months and I’ll be cruising along with ALL positives on my report for probably the first time since I was 18 and credit-less.

Growing up feels good…

Exhausted Boobies

I’m so freaking tired and exhausted. The trip last week wore me out physically and emotionally. I hate flying these days too in a way I never have before.

Tonight I’m doing research online about mammograms, ultrasounds, and breast biopsies. My OB in Los Angeles found a lump in my left breast back in March, but I kind of brushed it off since I knew it was getting close to my period and I tend to ummmm, get firmer during that time.

About a month ago, I checked in with a new family doctor here (my new OB can’t see me until July out here) to get it double checked. She actually didn’t think it was anything (I swear she’s younger than me so maybe not much practical experience) but to make me feel better, sent me off for a mammogram and ultrasound. I went in to the Radiology Center the Thursday (May 29th) before I found out about my brother’s accident (incidentally, he was probably in the ER when I was getting my exams done). The radiologist himself came in right then to look at my mammogram and ultrasound, but also had the tech do another ultrasound live of my breasts with him watching. He recommended a biopsy immediately and said he would be calling my doctor the next day with his findings.

Then I got the news about my brother the next morning and I pretty much just tabled the thoughts about my boobies. Now that I’ve rested and unpacked from my trip, I’m tense with agony over the biopsy. The official impersonal letter from the Radiology Clinic received by mail today didn’t help either. I couldn’t get the doctor’s assistant to call me back today (I spoke with her last week when I was in NC) to schedule the biopsy and I really just want this done. As far as I can tell, 80% of breast biopsies come back with benign results. However, the results from diagnostic mammograms (versus the annual screening one older women have) tend to have a higher percentage of malignancy results though I can’t really find any good statistics on that either. I’m a logical numbers person so I always go for the statistics.

I just want this done. I hate needles and am dreading the biopsy (you are wide awake for it, pass me the Valium please!), but The Boyfriend swears he’ll take me there and back. This week is his finals week so hopefully we can squeeze everything in. We’re just so stinking busy right now with his school, my work, catching up from me being out of town last week, and my health stuff that never seems to go away 100%. I’m hoping we’ll be up for a tubing trip at the Salt River next week. I’ve been dying to do that since we moved here.

Older Posts »