Hazy

Perhaps it would help to understand that the abuse we do to our bodies as adults carries on the abuse done to us as children…

 It probably doesn’t make sense to those who haven’t been shattered into pieces and are left to put those pieces together.

 Not an excuse.  Just a plea for compassion. 

When you’re shattered as a child, you sometimes get frozen in time and spend your entire adult life putting those pieces together.  Sometimes the glue just doesn’t work the first time.

Limbo

I’m with a man I shouldn’t be with.  I should set him free.  I feel in love for him hard and now, I feel nothing.  That’s not true.  I feel disgust, mistrust, and resentment.

This scares me about marriage.  I’m quite certain part of the problem is me.  And the men I select to be with.  They’re all the same.  It’s disturbing to realize I am the problem.  I do this to myself.

Gah

So much in my head, but most of all, what I’d like to do is complain to the people who don’t read job ads and just send their resume out willy nilly.  Wasting my time.

Improving your odds of getting a job…

A couple weeks ago, I attended a career fair as an employer representatives looking for job seekers.  While walking in the hallways midway through the event, I overheard somebody say, “Bet she won’t have a problem getting hired” about me as I walked by in a business skirt suit, heels, and well done hair and make up.  What they said was flattering, but it made me stop and think.

Here’s the reality of job hunting.  If your clothing appears outdated or too casual, hair/makeup/jewelry is not conservative and tastefully done, or you are excessively overweight the odds of you being passed over for a well groomed, physically fit/attractive, and appropriately dressed individual with similar experience and education is ridiculously high.  Yes, I know nobody should be taking your physical appearance into consideration, but the reality is that people do it all of the time. 

I’m not saying you won’t get a job.  I am here to tell you that putting time and money into physical appearance can pay off when job hunting.  Consider it an investment in your career.   Sure, you can probably find a job without doing so, but exerting some effort in this area may just reduce the time you must spend interviewing and job searching.

I’ve heard many ridiculous reasons for not hiring somebody:  head’s too big, missing teeth, ears were small, too much facial hair, too many ear piercings, visible tattoo, funky body odor, clothes seemed old and wrinkly, nails were chewed up (men and women), and the person was out of breath just walking from reception to the interview room (overweight).  These are all things people have control over and can make or break your chance at your dream job.

too skinny (only heard that once, but the assumption was they had a cocaine addiction or were anorexic and therefore could possibly have too many personal issues that would distract from work responsibilities.

Garlic Lime Chicken – Crockpot

This is a very simple way to make chicken in the crock pot that comes out moist; eat by itself or add it to a dish.

1. 1 whole chicken
2. 2 limes, quartered
3. 6 cloves garlic (more or less, whole or minced)
4. 1 cup water, beer, wine, or other liquid of your choice
5. Seasoning: I use a touch of sea salt, ground pepper, and or worcestershire pepper

Stuff the lime quarters and garlic cloves inside the chicken, place in crock pot and add liquid/seasonings of your choice. 

Cook on low for 4-6 hours.  You’ll know it’s done when the meat just comes off the bones, but use good tongs to pull it out and/or a big spoon underneath the chicken to keep it from falling apart when transferring to a plate. 

Things to do with the chicken:

1. Shred, slice, or cube the chicken and put in container for later use with salads, soups, sandwiches, or other meals during the week.
2. Make gravy or sauce with the liquid, mashed potatoes or rice, and service with the chicken and a veggie.
3. Add to chicken broth and veggies for chicken soup.
4. Stir-fry with veggies in wok and serve over rice.

Therapy

I don’t do well with paid therapy. 

Talking is hard.

Inconvenient with a stranger to judge and fix.

Gin and tonic suits just fine.

Since I have so many thoughts lately.

Writing should suffice.

Random depository for the musings.

Myers-Briggs Personality Test

I love this kind of stuff… You can find it here: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp (forgive me, no clue how to do a hyperlink and I’m too tired to think about it right now).

My type is ISTJ.

Guardian™ Portrait of the Inspector (ISTJ)

The one word that best describes Inspectors is superdependable. Whether at home or at work, Inspectors are extraordinarily persevering and dutiful, particularly when it comes to keeping an eye on the people and products they are responsible for. In their quiet way, Inspectors see to it that rules are followed, laws are respected, and standards are upheld.

Inspectors (as much as ten percent of the general population) are the true guardians of institutions. They are patient with their work and with the procedures within an institution, although not always with the unauthorized behavior of some people in that institution. Responsible to the core, Inspectors like it when people know their duties, follow the guidelines, and operate within the rules. For their part, Inspectors will see to it that goods are examined and schedules are kept, that resources will be up to standards and delivered when and where they are supposed to be. And they would prefer that everyone be this dependable. Inspectors can be hard-nosed about the need for following the rules in the workplace, and do not hesitate to report irregularities to the proper authorities. Because of this they are often misjudged as being hard-hearted, or as having ice in their veins, for people fail to see their good intentions and their vulnerability to criticism. Also, because Inspectors usually make their inspections without much flourish or fanfare, the dedication they bring to their work can go unnoticed and unappreciated.

While not as talkative as Supervisor Guardians [ESTJs], Inspectors are still highly sociable, and are likely to be involved in community service organizations, such as Sunday School, Little League, or Boy and Girl Scouting, that transmit traditional values to the young. Like all Guardians, Inspectors hold dear their family social ceremonies-weddings, birthdays, and anniversaries – although they tend to be shy if the occasion becomes too large or too public. Generally speaking, Inspectors are not comfortable with anything that gets too fancy. Their words tend to be plain and down-to-earth, not showy or high-flown; their clothes are often simple and conservative rather than of the latest fashion; and their home and work environments are usually neat, orderly, and traditional, rather than trendy or ostentatious. As for personal property, they usually choose standard items over models loaded with features, and they often try to find classics and antiques – Inspectors prefer the old-fashioned to the newfangled every time.

Queen Elizabeth II, Harry S. Truman, Warren Buffet, Queen Victoria, James K. Polk, and J.D. Rockefeller are examples of Inspector Guardians.

So how ya been?

Okay, so I think I might miss this blog stuff and will give it the ole college try again. Definitely a far cry from the old Sin days. 

Six months really since an update.  Let’s recap, shall we?

Walking away from The Ex-Boyfriend was far easier then I expected it to be.  I have rarely looked back, and in all honesty, the looking back has been more because of the loss of a promise of a future then a loss of him.  Hope that makes sense…  Perhaps also I did the mourning of the relationship over the last three to six months that we lived together (or the five years we were together?).  Maybe I just finally hit breaking point and finally believed to be true what I knew from the beginning.  Maybe I just finally found some strength in myself I didn’t know existed (but that many friends and family told me I had!)  Let’s (and by us, I mean me) face it, red flags were flying all over the place from before I even met him.  I guess because we were both so similar and at the same point in our lives, I thought it might work.  I really wanted it to work.  I just really didn’t want to be alone.  I wasn’t built to be alone.  When I’m alone, I’ll hermit.  It’s not healthy and I know it.  So anyway…  It ended relatively peacefully despite his desperate proposal the day after Thanksgiving.  We text occasionally, but I can’t get myself to speak with him by phone or see him in person.  I have no feelings left lingering, but the idea of seeing him or speaking with him scares the shit out of me.  I imagine that time stopped for both of us and am only partially annoyed to hear he’s perhaps finally flirting and dating other people (despite his affirmations to me on a slowly dwindling basis).  Hey, let’s face it, I think there’s something in all of us that gets a little smug to know if an ex is pining away….  No?  Maybe just me.  That was the first full fledged (alliteration anybody!) relationship I walked away from!  Work with me!

So I guess that brings me to my next update…  I’ve been dating somebody off and on (mostly on in the past month or two) since ohhhh, I dunno…  (confession time) the breakup with The Ex-Boyfriend.  We’ll just call him Trainer Boy.  Oh wait, didn’t I mention the part where I started dating my personal trainer when I broke up with The Ex-Boyfriend?  *cough*  Well actually, I wasn’t totally done with The Ex when I started hanging out with Trainer Boy.  Then came the conversation of…  “Hey, I think I want to see other people.”

NEWS FLASH:  When somebody says, ‘I want to see other people,’ that means, ‘I found somebody I want to see.’  I’m just sayin’!

Oh yeah, that same conversation is when I dropped the bombshell about a weekend rendezvous with an old college boyfriend in another state.  I never was great at secrets and honestly, I’m just not a cheat at heart.  I just laid it all out there.  Let’s just say that I think The Ex was a little surprised.  HaHa, guess he thought he was the only one who could get attention from the opposite sex and stray a little.

Anyway…  Trainer Boy and I are good.  I’m riding it out to see what happens.  He’s another Cancer and that’s made it all the more enticing and intriguing to me.  There is part of me that really likes him and part of me that is very reserved, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Like this could be too good to be true kind of waiting.  In the meantime, the sex is amazing and I enjoy his company.  The reality is that my heart is more locked up then I thought it was and I’m not sure I can totally let go yet if ever.  I’m not sure I trust that I know if and when I’m in love.  Or that somebody really loves me like I love them.  That’s the scary part.  At the age of (shit, how old am I!?) almost 33, I should know these things shouldn’t I?  Anyway….

Work.  Well, work is great and I’m a Rock Star.  The problem is that the company is not doing so well and I’ve hung on through quite a few layoffs this past year.  I’m overworked but hanging on.  I still love what I do and the company I work for.  I’ll hold out and hope that we all make it for now.  My contingency plan is that IF I get laidoff, I’m either going to school here or moving closer to family and going to school there.  Now that I know what I want to be when I grow up, I might as well get that damn piece of paper.  Now seems like as good a time as any.

Health.  My boobies are in good shape, but I need another surgery on something else which I keep putting off (see work above).  It’s nothing critical, but is something I need to take care of sooner than later.  Those of you who have been around long enough will know what it is.  Rinse and repeat.

Smoking.  I quit smoking in 2004 and was clean until 2007, almost exactly 3 years, when my mother was diagnosed with late stage cancer.  I’m trying really hard to quit again.

Fitness.  Over the course of 2 years, I lost 45lbs.  I was becoming a daily gym rat.  With some recent stresses (see work above), I lost some focus and am just now trying to get back to the gym daily.  I drink a bit too much and have regained 5lbs, but am holding at 125lbs for right now.  I’ve lost some of my toning that I gained through strength training, cardio, and personal training so looking to resume and reclaim all that hard work.  Oh yeah, dating the personal trainer (who converted to role of boyfriend) and swapping trainers probably hasn’t helped that part.  HAHA.

Some days I’m so friggin’ exhausted I don’t know where to begin.  Living an adult life is so strange.  I look at how far I’ve come and where I want to be.  It’s exhausting.  But I’ve come a long way baby and that’s all that matters.

Relaxed…

Silence whispers.

A calm wave of the unknown.

An image appears.

Soft. translucent.  Fragile.

Flutters overcome.

My soul.  My heart.

Strength and vibrance.

Trance consumes.

Silence.

Your smile.  Your heart. Your soul.

Radiance bursts.

Meh

Recruiting and interviewing in this market is a little on the depressing side.  I’m  hearing a lot of sad stories and speaking to people that are taking pay cuts, so they can do anything possible to remain in houses they never should have purchased. 

I’m reminded of the years after 9/11 when I fell into recruiting.  Tough times.